In this solo episode, Ame-Lia gets vulnerable and shares a personal experience of how the chatter in our minds can influence how we see the world around us. Most of us live our lives unaware of how these judgments that we make of ourselves and others can hurt our relationships and ability to listen openly to others. Hear the call of action to get curious about your own inner dialogue - and have fun with it!
What’s in this episode for you:
5:20 - A personal story about a day in the life of Ame-Lia’s inner dialogue
11:54 - How to tune into your own self-talk
14:00 - How the meaning we give things, words, or experiences, can make or break our relationships
16:52 - A challenge to grow in self-awareness
Poem: An excerpt from “How to Eat” by Thich Nhat Hanh, called, Eating Mindfully As a Practice:
When we eat our meal, we should show up for that meal 100%. Eating mindfully is a practice. If we choose to drink a cup of tea in mindfulness, the pleasure of drinking tea will more than double, because we are truly there, and the tea is also truly there. Life is real. It's not a dream, when mindfulness is there.
Tools for change:
This is a journey of self-discovery. When we become more aware of who we are, we can embody the change we seek in every moment.
What are the phrases or keywords that your kids, partner, boss, friend, colleague say that get you into an instant tizzy? What meaning are you ascribing to this right now? What is the story you are telling yourself? Get curious.
Pick up the talking piece:
What came up for you as you listened to this episode? I'd love to hear your experiences with any of the reflections and exercises. Send me an email at podcast@humconsulting.ca or leave a voicemail (click the voicemail button on the right).
Gratitude:
Circle of Change is recorded on lək̓ʷəŋən territories.
Our opening and closing music was created by the talented E-Rol Beats. You can find his creations at www.erolbeats.com
My fabulous podcast coach, Mary Chan of Organized Sound Productions, brought this podcast to life www.organizedsound.ca
Transcript: (Some words may not be accurately recorded. Please let us know if something seems off.)
Change begins from within. As easy as it is to look outside of ourselves and want the world to change, the truth is, it never will if we remain the same. This podcast was created for change-makers like you who want more love and connection in your community. Today you are going to hear stories that will inspire you, and also challenge you to be the change. We are going to go deep, my friend, so take a deep breath and settle in. My name is Ame-Lia Tamburrini - Welcome to the Circle of Change.
Ame-Lia Tamburrini (AT) 00:51 Hello, friend. I’m so glad you're here with me today. This is the last episode of season one of the Circle of change. I can hardly believe it. We have been going strong for the spring and summer and have so appreciated all the feedback and words of encouragement we are receiving from you. Thank you for sharing what this podcast has meant to you with us it really lets us know that we are making a difference in some small way and that's really the point. We want you to feel supported and inspired and also give you lots to think about as you go about being changemakers in your life so thank you so much for joining us. We will be back on September 2. We have a really fascinating episode on having brave conversations around death and dying. I love that we are bringing this conversation to you because I do think that the opportunities for brave conversations are all around us. And since death is just part of life, yeah, you might have that experience, that you're working through right now or that you will in future. So I think that is important. And then our second circle conversation in September is with two leaders who are bringing spirituality to the workplace. And this topic is near and dear to my heart because I do believe and have also witnessed that the more we as leaders are in touch with ourselves and we are creating spaces and the skills to lead from our heart, and those places that are bigger than ourselves that we are making strides to bring this world back to its most natural peaceful, healthy place. And I know that it's terrifying for some of us to think about that but these two leaders really allow us to see the possibility that is there when we let that in, so stay tuned September's gonna be awesome. I can't wait to be with you then. As we begin today this final episode of season one, I want to read this passage from Thich Nhat Hanh, How to Eat. I love this book. I keep it on my kitchen, or not my kitchen, my dining room table and not every meal but almost every meal I think I just read a little passage and it's so beautiful for just grounding me in the present moment with my food, because I don't know about you but I often can be very distracted during meal time, multitasking and all of that and it's just been a beautiful practice for me to get present. So this is called Eating Mindfully As a Practice.
When we eat our meal, we should show up for that meal 100%. Eating mindfully is a practice. If we choose to drink a cup of tea in mindfulness, the pleasure of drinking tea will more than double, because we are truly there, and the tea is also truly there. Life is real. It's not a dream, when mindfulness is there.
Thanks to Thich Nhat Hanh.
I think you'll see how that passage trickles into what I want to share with you today. So as we head into this holiday period, well holiday for me, I want to, to leave you with some thoughts to take with you and play around with over the next month. I just participated in a life changing forum. It's a Landmark Forum. Many of you may have heard of it or have done it before. It literally transformed my life. It took everything that I'm learning and reading about in A Course in Miracles and really brought it to life in a really powerful way for me. And I feel as though I have this completely new lens where absolutely anything is possible. It's a seriously exciting place to be and I know from that place I'm going to be able to serve you more rich content and also just show up more authentically, just be myself, all the quirks and quarks included. Yeah the intent there is just to be myself but also to give you permission as well to show up as yourself authentically embracing every single part of you. Today, I want to share with you one of the things that became really clear to me during this weekend, is how much of a judgmental A-Hole, I am. Yes, you heard that correctly, underneath a lot of this niceness, and calm demeanour, I can run a really good commentary about people around me and it's not nice all the time.
[5:20]
So today I want to take you inside my head in one situation, so you can see what I mean. And then give you some food for thought to take into the month of August, and play around with. As I take you through this experience, try to think of an example in your life where you're aware that maybe you're showing up this way as well or that you have this dialogue. So often I don't think we are aware of all the things going on in our head. But if you give yourself permission, just to be you and to not judge yourself and just really get curious , see what arises for you as I share with you this little story.
So, here we go, taking you inside my head into a situation that happens multiple times a day. Are you ready? Okay, hold on, you are in for a ride. This situation is me going swimming, which I do a number of times a week. Okay.
I wake up. Today is going to be an amazing day. What is today? Oh yes, it's swimming. Do I want to go swimming? How much sleep did I get, maybe my body needs a rest today. Oh no, Ame-Lia, enough with that you know you're gonna feel so much better after you swim. Okay, right, yes, of course, I'll go. I wonder who's gonna be there this morning. Oh, is that bully going to be there? I hope not. How am I gonna deal with him today? Last time that did not go very well, he was so aggressive, actually I was pretty aggressive too though. Oh my gosh, and I call myself this facilitator of peaceful conversation, I am such a fraud.
I guess he's a good teacher. I still don't want to see him. Okay, no just picture the pool as loving, peaceful place of joy, Ame-Lia, that's better. Oh my gosh, look at all the cars it's going to be busy. I hate when it's busy, so many people not knowing how to swim and swimming in the wrong lane, no Ame-Lia, just picture what you want, there's only going to be two people in your lane, it's going to be calm, you're going to have freedom, and it doesn't really matter, just, you're here for you. Right, Okay. I love the water, I am so glad I came, I’m a swimming machine. Oh, I’m tired! What is wrong with my body? Why can't I build up more stamina more quickly? I think it just takes time when you get older. No, I am not ascribing to the theories of getting older. What should I do today?, I should probably do a different workout, I'm a bit of a loser for doing the same thing every single day. But I kind of like it because I don't have to think. I wonder if anybody else notices that I do the same thing everyday? I noticed that Jim does the same work every day. Maybe, yeah, be just like Jim. Oh, here we go, slow Betty, why does she always get in this lane? why can't she see that this for fast swimmers, the sign says fastest. Why doesn't anybody read the sign, or have the same definition of what that means. Such lack of self awareness, maybe it's just, well, maybe she thinks she's fast, or maybe she doesn’t give a whoo ha about the rules. Man, I would love to be that way. I bet it's freeing, Maybe I should be like Betty. Oh hey Jim. Man I love Jim, what a nice smile. I remember when I thought he was really grumpy, but that was just me, and now we're like best friends. Is he walking slower? Maybe he isn't well, I'll ask him on the next break. Oh my gosh is the time up yet? Whoa, it's only been 10 minutes. Oh man, this is gonna take forever.
Okay, I'm gonna stop there. I think you probably get the picture. But literally, this goes on multiple times a week, or it did up until yesterday. So, just curious, what did you notice? I mean for me, I noticed that there's constant chatter, like for maybe one, two seconds out of a 45 minute swim I am really present with the water and that's probably being generous. So it’s amazing. Secondly, I am always trying to make sense out of everything. You know that, that person is getting in the lane because they are an idiot. There are so many cars, that means it's going to be busy. Someone smiled at me, that means they like me. My body is tired, that means I'm getting older, that I didn't give enough rest, and on and on it goes. It's just this creative writing session and depending on the story, I feel energized or I feel drained in my body, and I'm being vulnerable enough to share this with you because I'm pretty convinced that I am not alone in this. So, what are the situations or the places that you show up and run this dialogue in your head that maybe you're not even aware of it could be doing your morning workout, heading into the office, your morning commute, oh my gosh why that person cut me off. Visiting my in laws, we got lots of stories about in in-laws. Greeting your spouse at the end of the day or walking into a meeting with your boss or your employee or putting your kids to bed like, what is the chatter and the stories that you are telling yourself in these moments? Remember, the key here is to do this without judgment, it is not your fault. It's not our fault that we have these stories, many brain scientists will tell you that this is simply how our brains work. There's nothing wrong with you. So, step in with curiosity and see what you discover.
[11:54]
Everything I've just mentioned, is really a dialogue with ourselves. With myself I come into a room and I'm having a dialogue but this phenomenon, it does not disappear when we are in conversation with others when we are “listening” to what is being shared with us at a business meeting or with a friend or at a community meeting or with our partners. Perhaps it's most noticeable or pronounced with those people that are really close to us. Those people that we have come to know and we just think we've figured them all out. So that every time you know that specific set of words get said that, oh yeah, we know what that means. Just think about this. If someone says, Yes, dear. We make it mean something. Yes, dear, we make it mean something, and that meaning comes from our past experiences. So not only with them but what we have picked up along the way. So for example Yes Dear, so condescending, I hate when he says that I feel like I'm a kid. Maybe your Dad used to say that to you when you thought he was ignoring you, right? Or Yes, Dear, that's so sweet. My grandpa used to say that to my grandmother, I love it when he says that to me. It's just two words. Yes, dear. But it can create a flurry of emotions and people's differences and interpretation of those words can cause so much divisiveness. I bet I could split apart a room by diving into the meaning of these two words, Yes, Dear. You may have to get really honest with yourself, to see that you are doing this in every moment of your conversation, I am doing this too. We're doing this together. Once I saw this, I literally couldn't stop laughing. I mean it's pretty funny to actually recognize how creative we can be in our heads, and witness all the chatter and the meaning that we are ascribing to things. Not only does it cause this flux of emotions, up, down, up, down, it also makes it almost impossible for us to hear each other, because we're always listening through this filter of our past experiences like not being like Thich Nhat Hanh says like, just present in the moment experiencing the words for what they are, whatever that means. And this comes from somebody who, I mean I have a strong identity of being a good listener. I built my whole life, my relationships, including my business around that identity and I know this is true for me as well.
[14:00]
So, while there is humor in this, if you can allow yourself to get there, it's also very destructive. And this is where it comes back to being the change from within. Think about how much of the world's strife is caused by us ascribing meaning to what is being said, seen or felt. Wars have been started over this. Many, many, many people have been killed over this. You know, our instructor over the weekend really brought this home when she spoke of witches, right, and how many witches were killed because somebody ascribed a meaning to their ways of being and made it wrong. And now that meaning is different and they're thriving communities of quote unquote witches. Right, we've changed the meaning, and what it means for us. This happened with our view of the world - it’s round, it's flat; religions, my interpretation of the Bible of these words is right and yours is wrong. And this has obviously been the case for colonization and genocide that has happened around the world and here on Turtle Island with our First Nations, Inuit, Metis, Native American, Alaskan Native, people of color, so much harm has been caused by us ascribing meaning to words, to things, to actions.
This is why it's important for us to become aware of when we are doing this in our own lives, because even though we might not think we're causing harm by the use this constant stream of chitter chatter in our head, we are actually contributing to harm in micro and macro ways when we are not aware of it. So this is all part of being that change from within and being able to recognize that things we deem to be out there are in us.
[16:52]
So I want to invite you over the month of August, when you're sitting on the beach, or reading a book or having that conversation with your kids, what are the stories that you are telling yourself? What are the phrases, those, those key phrases that your kids say or your partner or your boss says, that kind of get you into a bit of a tizzy. And ask what meaning I am ascribing to this right now? What is the story I am telling myself. And I know that voice is going to come up, “Ame-Lia, this is not a story.” I've witnessed this over and over and over again, I know that when they say this, it means this, right, I know, I know, but just, just be curious, just be curious and see what you find. We're gonna be building on this over the month through Instagram, and LinkedIn to bring you through what you can actually do with this information. So please join us over there. And thank you. You know when we have the courage to look within us in this way and actually be the change right here right now in this moment, it is profound.
And I love that you are here, willing to listen and explore. I am wishing you the most amazing month of August, I cannot wait to be back here with you in September with some really meaningful and juicy circle conversations. I am also looking forward to the break, I get to fly home and connect with my family, which I'm really excited about, and just take in all the beauty of August, and what that brings up here in Canada.
So much love to you. I will talk to you soon.
I'm now passing the talking piece to you. If you feel called to put your voice in this circle, please head to www.humconsulting.ca/podcast and share your story there. I cannot wait to hear what has come up for you as you have listened to what has been shared here today.
I wish you love and joy beyond your wildest imagination. Thank you so much for being here in the Circle of Change.
I also want to express my gratitude to the following peeps: Circle of Change is recorded on the Lekwungen territory and I am so grateful to live on this land. Our opening and closing music was created by the talented E.Rol Beats. You can find his creations at erolbeats.com. And special thanks to my coach, Mary Chan of Organized Sound Productions for bringing this podcast to life.
Until next time, Ciao.