Episode 27: Turning Failure Into Freedom

Listening to all the fabulous thought-leaders at the Sweet Spot Global Leadership summit this week has inspired me to reflect on how much courage is required to be a leader today. We are literally transforming the paradigm, the systems that have been around us for our entire lives and generations before. That is why I am delving into the topic of stretching our comfort zones and changing our relationships with that process. In particular, the fear of failure that generally keeps us inside our comfort zones or makes stretching out really uncomfortable.

So, settle in Change-maker, and let’s change our relationship with the process of stretching our comfort zones, so that you can have more ease and grace and step out bigger and bolder than you ever have.

What’s in this episode for you:

• Introduction to the concept of separating the person from the performer

• The power of shifting the fundamental belief that it’s shameful to fail

• How we can shift our mindset through Thomas Edison’s way of reframing failure

• A four-step process for reconstructing our fear-based thoughts around failure

Tools for change:

The Sweet Spot Global Leadership offers so many tools, wisdom and guidance to help visionary leaders step into their own leadership in new bold ways. Yesterday I joined 5 other speakers who talked about communication and how we gather together. Below are the links to both the free pass which gives you access to the talks of the day and the VIP pass which gives you life-time access and so many sweet coaching sessions and tools.

Register for free: https://www.exhaleandthrive.com/a/2147504770/kCPhDrrc

VIP Pass: https://www.exhaleandthrive.com/a/2147504965/kCPhDrrc

Poem:

Invention by Shel Silverstein

I’ve done it! I’ve done it!

Guess what I’ve done!

Invented a light bulb that plugs into the sun.

The sun is bright enough.

The bulb is strong enough.

But, oh, there‘s only one thing wrong…

The cord ain’t long enough.

Pick up the talking piece:

What came up for you as you listened to this episode? I'd love to hear your experiences with any of the reflections and exercises. Send me an email at podcast@humconsulting.ca or leave a voicemail (click the voicemail button on the right).

Transcript: (Some words may not be accurately recorded. Please let us know if something seems off.)

[00:00:00] Ame-Lia: Change begins from within. As easy as it is to look outside of ourselves and want the world to change, the truth is, it never will if we remain the same. This podcast was created for change-makers like you who want more love and connection in your community. Today you are going to hear stories that will inspire you, and also challenge you to be the change. We are going to go deep, my friend, so take a deep breath and settle in. My name is Ame-Lia Tamburrini - Welcome to the Circle of Change.

[00:00:50] Hello friend. Here we are. Again, thank you so much for being here with me in circle today. I'm coming to you deeply inspired. I have been taking in all of these talks at the Sweet Spot Global Leadership Summit this week. Wow. There are so many great speakers, so much wisdom and guidance to really help you,

[00:01:19] the visionary change makers out there were really step into your own leadership in new and bold ways. I'm learning a lot. Yesterday. I was joined by seven other speakers who all talked about communication and how we gather together. Again, I learned some great new tips and tricks, and today is all about creating thriving teams and tomorrow is on how to create thriving organizations.

[00:01:48] Oh, this information is so relevant for what is happening in our world today. I am so inspired by these thought leaders. So if you haven't already registered the link to both the free pass, which gives you access to the talks of the day. And the VIP pass, which gives you a lifetime access and so many other sweet coaching sessions and tools.

[00:02:11] Both of those links are in the show notes. So go check it out. As I listened to these talks, I've been reflecting on how much courage is required to be the change, and also to be a leader today, we are literally transforming the paradigm, the systems. Been around us for our entire lives and generations before that.

[00:02:37] And we know that it can be really unsettling for those and, and those that you're leading to change things up. This is why today, I want to delve into the topic of stretching our comfort zones and really changing our relationships with that process in particular, the risk of failure, because that's what generally keeps us inside of our comfort zones as a change maker.

[00:03:03] In other words, a human being in this world who wants to contribute to leaving it a little bit better than when you got here, everything feels like it's stretching our comfort zones in this world right now. So let's change our relationship with that process so that you can have more ease and grace and step out bigger and bolder than you ever have.

[00:03:25] That's what today is all about. Let's settle in with a poem, take a deep breath and exhale anything that is not feeling good right now. Feel free to take another deep breath in,

[00:03:49] ahh, and open yourself up to receive what it is you are meant to receive today in this moment.

[00:03:59] This poem is called Invention by Shel Silverstein. I've done it. I've done it. Guess what I've done. Invented a light bulb that plugs into the sun. The sun is bright enough. The bulb is strong enough, but oh, there's only one thing wrong. The cord ain't long enough.

I love this poem and I think you'll see why I especially love it for today, in a little bit.

[00:04:33] This topic of stretching. Our comfort zones has been on my mind ever since our show with Brett McDonald and Lizzie Allen. They both spoke about the role of humor and healing and how profound it can be when we take the time to gather and be silly and really practice failing together. That's a lot of what's happening in improv and stand up.

[00:04:55] Stand up, you put something out there and it, well, it lands or it doesn't, but what both Brett and Lizzie suggest is that there is freedom on the other side of failure. And that's what we're talking about today. This concept also has come to me in light of some coaching training I'm doing right now. I am deep in neuro transformational coaching, which incorporates elements of neuro-linguistic programming.

[00:05:21] One of the tenants of this methodology is the concept of separating the person from the performer. So what does that mean? It means that in order to develop a new relationship with failing or a new relationship with the risk of failing, it's important to separate the value of who you are with your performance or accomplishments. That in and of itself might appear revelatory  because it's not how we tend to show up.

[00:05:53] And I think in many ways, it's, societally acceptable to beat ourselves up when we face. Something out there or within us tells us, oh, I'm supposed to feel bad right now. I’m supposed to feel shame. I'm supposed to spend the next week beating myself up because I made this mistake. I mean, can you relate to that?

[00:06:13] I mean, have you ever found yourself saying, ah, I should have known better? Oh, I can't believe I wasted that much time in that relationship job, et cetera. Oh, I'm so stupid for dot, dot, dot fill in the blank. And then if you're with somebody on cue, the societal dance begins that other person starts lifting you up.

[00:06:36] Oh no, don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes, et cetera, et cetera. And you say, yeah, but… Aren't you tired of that dance? I am. So here is something that might free you. The whole reason that the risk of failure or failure itself feels bad is because we have placed an emotional risk on the failure.

[00:07:03] And this is what Sean Smith says. He says, when you remove the emotional risk of failure, you will remove the emotional resistance to taking action. I'm going to read that again. Think about this. As you think about stepping out of your comfort zone, when you remove the emotional risk of failure, you will remove the emotional resistance to taking action.

[00:07:29] This means that it's not actually the failure itself we are afraid of, whatever that means, because failure in and of itself is a construct that doesn't actually exist, but we make it exist, but it's not actually the failure that we're afraid of. It's the feelings that come with failure that we're afraid of. This all relates back to this fundamental belief that it's shameful in some way to fail.

[00:07:58] So this is really where the power comes in because we, you and I have the power to change. You know, we might not be able to change that initial feeling, less shame, the regret, whatever it is, comes in. But once we recognize it, we can make a decision right then and there to feel something else, which often means we have to reframe what just happened.

[00:08:23] This is why self-awareness is so important as a leader and a change maker. In all moments, we have an opportunity to decide how do we want to feel. And how we want to feel determines how we show up. If we hang out in shame and regret and unworthiness, then that impacts all that we do, our ability to listen,

[00:08:49] the words that we choose, how we hold our body. But if you don't know what's happening for you in any given moment, you have no idea, A) how you're feeling or B) how that's impacting the world around you. You're going to just unconsciously go about affecting people in situations in ways that might take you away from your ultimate goal.

[00:09:14] As a changemaker, I spent so much of my life in this particular moment and when I woke up one day and realized that wow, How I was perceiving the world was impacting how I was feeling, which was then impacting what I was putting back out into the world. Well, first of all, I felt a lot of shame and guilt and regret, and then I felt a lot of power like that true, authentic power.

[00:09:45] It says, oh, I can own that. I can change that. So let's go back to failure for a second. If our standby is shame and regret and we're guilt, what is another way we can start to conceptualize failing or the dreaded risk of failing? Because again, the risk of failing is often what holds us back from stepping outside of our comfort zones and as much as possible we want to be out there because as Lizzie Allen said, life happens outside of our comfort zone.

[00:10:19] Now, Thomas Edison is such a fabulous and inspiring example of the power of our mind and a reframing failure in a way that is inspiring and motivating and energizing pay attention to how he frames things in this series of examples. I did a quick Google search. I'm making the assumption that all of this stuff is correct.

[00:10:45] And I have no idea, but just let the words soak in. So apparently Thomas Edison's teachers said he was too stupid to learn anything. He was fired from his first two jobs for being non-productive. And as an inventor, Edison made a thousand unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light. I read in many places, 10,000 attempts, but regardless, seriously, what have you attempted a thousand times?

[00:11:17] I mean, I don't know that man was driven. When a reporter asked him, how did it feel to fail a thousand times? He said I didn't fail a thousand times. The light bulb was an invention with a thousand steps. Oh my gosh. I just love that. Okay. I have another one here for you. They say that he tried 2000 different materials in search of a filament for the light bulb.

[00:11:46] I mean, do you even know of 2000 materials? Hmm, amazing. So when none of those worked satisfactorily, his assistant complained, they said, oh, all of our work is in vain. We have learned nothing but Edison, he replied, oh, we've come a long way. And we have learned a lot. We now know that there are 2000 elements, which we cannot use to make a good light bulb.

[00:12:16] Don't you love that? I love these clips, first of all, because they illustrate how two different people can witness the exact same experience and come out with two different interpretations. Once we become aware of how we are interpreting things, we get to choose, which one is more empowering. It also illustrates how taking the emotional risk at a failing is so energizing and essentially removes any risks.

[00:12:47] I mean, did you feel the energy dip when the assistant said we have learned nothing and then your energy, like where was it when, when Edison says, oh, my gosh. We now know that there are 2000 elements that you can't make a light bulb where, I mean, I really just love that. Like there's so much wisdom gained.

[00:13:09] There's no failing in that mindset. Only new information from which to make another decision. I mean, he could have sat there and lamented. Ugh. Why did I even bother? I'm such a loser. Oh my gosh. All my teachers were right. I really am stupid. And maybe, maybe he did go there for a bit. I don't know. But at some point he made a choice to select the thoughts that were going to help him get to his goal of bringing light to the world.

[00:13:39] How beautiful is that? Does this resonate with you at all? Now, there are so many examples of how we have this negative relationship with failure, you know, lamenting about how much time we spent in quote unquote, bad relationships or regretting years wasted in a job that didn't really fuel their soul or turning these words over and over in your mind, after a conversation that didn't go well, beating yourself up for what you said or didn't say. All of this is different versions of, I am a failure,

[00:14:15] and I'm ashamed, but what if we saw these situations as Thomas Edison did? What if we sat down with our friend and said, wow, I am so stoked. I dated that guy who only ate macaroni and cheese for seven years. I now know that I really love vegetables. Or what, if you started laughing after a conversation that went sideways and said, wow, I don't know what I'm learning yet, but I know that I'm learning something from this conversation, thank you.

[00:14:48] Instead of these constricted feelings that hold us down that keep us small, we get to expand and breathe deeper and trust more and laugh more. And the bonus is that trying new things becomes less scary because we've removed that risk. Now, there are all sorts of reasons why we choose the disempowering thoughts.

[00:15:15] We get to be a victim. We get sympathy. We get to be right about all sorts of things, including I'm a loser. We get to be safe. And many of us have benefited from this way of being, especially in a society that is A-OK with it because being this way helps us to fit in. But we know now that that kind of reasoning can lead to a lot of harm.

[00:15:41] And in fact, so many of these thoughts and behavior patterns have stemmed from a colonial history that ensured power over people could be achieved. People had to be scared to try new things to step out because if everybody thought that it was fun and exciting and okay, we wouldn't have all the inequities, the racist policies, the genocides.

[00:16:06] Yeah, that's a lot to take in. I'm not going to go any further into that in this episode, but just to say, it's not your fault, if you are choosing victim mentality over a growth mentality. However, we are transitioning out of this way of being. And once you become aware of it, there's a responsibility to make a choice, not only so that you can have more joy and expansion and love in your heart as you work toward your own goal.

[00:16:37] It's also so that you can be the change you want to see in the world. That means doing our own personal work to decondition the societally acceptable ways of being, and then helping others to do the same. It takes so much courage to not go with a norm. So I want to acknowledge that right now. Let's get into how we can actually bring this to life in our own lives, how we can reconstruct our own fear-based thoughts around failure.

[00:17:08] I'm going to give a four step process. The first one is commit to challenging this way of being and choosing differently. It really helps to find your why. Why is it important that you develop a new relationship with failure? What will that provide for you? Another way to think about this is, well, what is your current relationship with failure costing you?

[00:17:33] What is at stake here? If I decide to beat myself up for a week, well, I’ll miss out on a lot of joy, happiness productivity, my wellbeing. My relationships might suffer, and I certainly wouldn't be being the leader that I want to be. So get clear on your why, because this work is not easy and it's going to give you the motivation to keep going.

[00:18:00] Secondly, start becoming aware of all the times you bring you or others down for missteps. This work is essential because if we're not aware, well, we can't change it, we have no power. And I know awareness can be scary, but again, that's because we're making it mean something. We're making our judgment of a situation or others,

[00:18:23] means something about ourselves. So let go of the meaning and just open yourself up to noticing that every time you get to be aware, when you judge somebody or demean yourself, that you are growing, you're expanding and you're giving yourself and others more opportunity to be themselves and to breathe.

[00:18:50] The third step is, choose again. Decide right there in that moment to let it go. It really is that easy. Make it that easy and then choose a more empowering, loving, productive thought. What else could failure mean? More information? Getting closer to your goal? I would even suggest doing a brain dump, what you want failure to mean for you and keeping this list handy so you can tap into it when you feel yourself getting down about it, or being scared to take that step forward that, you know, you need to take.

[00:19:32] And step four, the most important step: Give yourself a high five. Yes, seriously, this helps rewire the neurological pathways and reward this new behavior. And it will make it easier over time to keep going in this way. And then if you really want bonus points, you could bring this out to other people. So if you're in and around other people and you feel yourself going into that shame or blame or resentment, because, oh, you're talking about how this mistake you made and how you could have done better.

[00:20:02] Stop yourself right there and say, oh, you know what? I can hear myself beating myself up. And I mean, I've always done that, but I'm trying this new way of being out is called instant forgiveness. It's part of my own commitment to myself to be more loving, and I know that it starts with changing my relationship with failing.

[00:20:26] Plus, I know I'm a total drag when I always go on and on about my failures and I want to be the light. So, I'm going to consider this failure an absolute success. Give me a high five. Yes.

Hm. This is how we change the world inside first outside next. It's Yes. And. Edison is quoted as saying many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

[00:20:57] Hmm. I am so sure there were other inventors who started to invent a light bulb and stopped really getting caught up in the failures of succumbing to that heavy energy associated with whatever meaning they were putting on. As an entrepreneur who is in this fragile first five years of my company, it's easy for me to wonder sometimes whether it's going to all work out, whether I will have the impact I want to have with this podcast and my business, or if it's all just going to crumble to the ground.

[00:21:33] Well, you know what, if it does, I've learned a lot and I've had a ton of fun along the way. And I'm literally transformed from three years ago, when I started this adventure. So I'm so grateful every single day that I get to push myself and grow and make that much more of a difference. Okay. Change maker.

[00:21:55] That's it for today. Remember if you haven't signed up for the Sweet Spot Global Leadership Summit, please go check it out and just find that one talk that is going to give you the nugget that you need to hear to keep going. Much love. Ciao.

[00:22:14] I'm now passing the talking piece to you. If you feel called to put your voice in the circle, please head to humconsulting.ca/podcast and share your story there. I cannot wait to hear what has come up for you as you have listened to what has been shared here today. I wish you love and joy beyond your wildest imagination. Thank you so much for being here in the Circle of Change.

I also wanna express my gratitude to the following peeps: Circle of Change is recorded on Lekwungen territories and I am so grateful to live on this land. Our opening and closing music was created by the talented E-Rol Beats. You can find his creations at erolbeats.com. And special thanks to my coach, Mary Chan, of Organized Sound Productions for bringing this podcast to life. Until next time, Ciao!

Gratitude: 

Circle of Change is recorded on lək̓ʷəŋən territories.

Our opening and closing music was created by the talented E-Rol Beats. You can find his creations at www.erolbeats.com

My fabulous podcast coach, Mary Chan of Organized Sound Productions, brought this podcast to life www.organizedsound.ca