Episode 23: Restoring Intimacy and Connection with your Partner

Today we’re joined by relationship expert and coach Jeanell Greene. There are so many gems in this conversation to help you bring romance, intimacy, and connection to your most important relationship. In listening to this thought-provoking conversation, you’ll get that anything is possible no matter how difficult or impossible your relationship may seem.

Check out Jeanell’s upcoming 2022 Lovuary Workshop: https://www.subscribepage.com/relationshiprenewal

What’s in this episode for you:

• Deep acceptance of who you are and how you show up in your relationships

• How to stand in your power while you explore and resolve your relationship challenges

• The art of making an apology and asking for forgiveness and why it’s so important for healing

• A cautionary tale of being too focused on protecting ourselves and what it means when we can’t forgive someone

• What everyone truly wants and needs and how to give it to each other when your walls are up

• Why doing this relationship work is so important not only for you but for future generations

Poem: rupi kaur, from the sun and her flowers

They threw us in a pit to end each other

So they wouldn’t have to

Starved us of space so long

We had to eat each other up to stay alive

Look up look up look up

To catch them looking down at us

How can we compete with each other

When the real monster is too big

To take down alone

Who’s in circle with us:

Jeanell is a Relationship Expert and Coach who works with couples who want to save their marriage, and struggle with keeping the spark, connection and intimacy alive in their marriage or relationship. Through her own experiences with divorce and now presently living inside a beautiful 15 year marriage she had always imagined, she brings words of hope, wisdom, and compassion. Jeanell is committed to transforming what it means to be married, and is living proof that romance, intimacy, and connection can blossom and grow long after the honeymoon stage.

Connect with Jeanell through, www.saveourmarriage.ca, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.

Pick up the talking piece: 

What came up for you as you listened to this episode? I'd love to hear your experiences with any of the reflections and exercises. Send me an email at podcast@humconsulting.ca or leave a voicemail (click the voicemail button on the right).

Transcript: (Some words may not be accurately recorded. Please let us know if something seems off.)

[00:00:00] Ame-Lia: Change begins from within. As easy as it is to look outside of ourselves and want the world to change, the truth is, it never will if we remain the same. This podcast was created for change-makers like you who want more love and connection in your community. Today you are going to hear stories that will inspire you, and also challenge you to be the change. We are going to go deep, my friend, so take a deep breath and settle in. My name is Ame-Lia Tamburrini - Welcome to the Circle of Change.

[00:00:50] I have a treat for you today, Changemaker. We have never had a relationship expert and coach in the Circle of Change. However, intimate partner, romantic relationships are some of the most powerful sources of our own healing and opportunity to be the change, which means they can be some of our greatest sources of pain.

[00:01:12] I know that so, so well. In all the circles that I have run, we gather to talk about how to be a change maker and a leader, and without fail personal relationships arise in the dialogue, and we create space for it because we recognize that we are not siloed beings, that every part of our lives are interconnected.

[00:01:38] And I know that might be prickly for you to hear, you might be saying work and life should be kept separate. I know I personally have been hearing that message for a really long time. We have even created something called a work life balance, but today I want you to consider that this thinking is part of the conditioning that we've been subjugated.

[00:02:04] And that this way of being has served the purpose of creating external power, power over things, and people, it's allowed us to dehumanize our work and the impact that we are having on the environment, on our relationships and our employees. And it's allowed us to create businesses that do not serve humanity.

[00:02:24] Most of the top multinational businesses fall into that category. They are created for profits first with no regard to the interrelationship with all living things. But we are evolving out of this now, as Changemakers is important that we acknowledge this conditioning to forgive ourselves and to open ourselves up to embodying our interconnected nature, that our personal and our professional lives are not separate because there is only life.

[00:02:58] Today, we are talking about these powerful relationships. I know how important they are to you. They're important to me as well. In this conversation, you're going to discover the interconnection between being the change and how we show up in these partnerships. And you're going to be given so many tools to work with to create a partnership that is full of trust and connection and belonging, knowing that, that relationship and what you do within it, ripples out and has an impact on the rest of the world, regardless of whether you're in an intimate partner relationship or not, you're going to gain so much support through this conversation.

[00:03:38] And please listen right to the end because you're going to be inspired to play a big in your life with Jeanell's amazing attitude and life perspective. More specifically in this conversation with Jeanell green, you're going to gain a deep acceptance of who you are and how you show up in your relationship.

[00:04:00] How does it really stand in your power while you explore and resolve your relationship challenges? You're going to hear about the art of making an apology and asking for forgiveness and why it's so important for healing. Jeanell shares a cautionary tale of being too focused on protecting ourselves and what it really means when we can't forgive somebody, you'll hear what everybody truly wants and needs and how to give it to each other when your walls are up.

[00:04:30] And why doing this relationship work is so important. Not only for you, but for future generations. Let me introduce you to Jeanell. Jeanell Greene is a relationship expert and coach who works with couples who want to save their marriage. And struggle with keeping that spark and connection and intimacy alive in their marriage or relationship through her own experiences with divorce.

[00:04:55] And now presently living inside a beautiful 15 year marriage, she has always imagined. She brings words of hope and wisdom and compassion Jeanell is committed to transforming what it means to be married and is living proof that romance, intimacy and connection can blossom and grow long after the honeymoon stage.

[00:05:17] If you're feeling alone at all in your relationship struggles, no matter how difficult or impossible they may seem, you are not alone. And you're really going to feel that here today. If you love Jeanell, as much as I do, please join her on February 7th for her I Loveuary, a workshop. The link is in the show notes.

[00:05:39] Let's begin. Jeanell welcome to the Circle of Change. So excited to have you here with us today.

[00:05:49] Jeanell: Thank you for having me. It's my honor.

[00:05:52] Ame-Lia: For the listener, Jeanell and I met through a networking event, and then in the conversation that followed, we found out that we had much more in common than just being entrepreneurs, not just being entrepreneurs.

[00:06:06] We had much more common than being entrepreneurs, including the fact that we're both Landmark graduates. That was really exciting to me. And I'm excited for this conversation today because you have been in that world much longer than I have. And I'm excited to learn from you through the language that you use and how you be with us today in circle.

[00:06:28] Jeanell: Absolutely happy to, happy to share whatever shows up in our space tonight.

[00:06:32] Ame-Lia: Absolutely. So let's take this moment to settle that. For the listener and Jeanell, you're welcome as well, if you want to close your eyes, if you're in a safe space to do so and take a deep breath in, and I'm going to read us a poem.

[00:06:50] This poem is by Rupi car, from her book, the sun and her flowers. They threw us in a pit to end each other. So they wouldn't have to starved us of space so long. We had to eat each other up to stay alive. Look up, look up, look up to catch them looking down at us. How can we compete with each other when the real monster is too big to take down alone.

[00:07:24] Jeanell: Nice.

[00:07:27] Ame-Lia: So, we've never had a relationship expert and coach in the Circle of Change. I am really excited to have this dialogue with you for many reasons. One of which is that many of the Changemakers I work with and who are in this community, they really struggle with their personal intimate partner relationships.

[00:07:47] I see that struggle for them with not really feeling understood or supported and their dedication to the work that they do or there's guilt for showing up or taking time away from their relationship to dedicate to their passions. And then opposite. We, I have seen some of the most successful in, in my definition of that word.

[00:08:07] Change-makers with this amazing partnership where that person is there, cheering them on and lifting them up and, and vice versa. There's this beautiful dance that I've been able to observe. So today in this dialogue, I, I think that, well, I know that there'll be insights here that is going, that are going to support somebody.

[00:08:31] Who's looking for a better understanding of what might be at play. In their relationship and also what is possible. Absolutely. This first question is how I start all circle of change conversations. And the question is, who are you? This is a question that I began exploring coming out of my cancer treatments, where I really didn't know who I was at that point.

[00:08:57] I didn't have a clear vision and my journey between then and now has really revealed more and more of this to me. And so I like to, uh, gift to this question to others in this space and see where it takes them when they answer it. So Jeanell, who are you?

[00:09:17] Jeanell: Who I am? Who I am as a change maker. I'm a healer.

[00:09:23] I'm a coach. I'm a sister. I'm a daughter. I am a motivator. I am one that loves to inspire and lead. And I'm someone who loves people and loves loving people and being the space and the listening that they've never experienced before that has them feel heard and validated and known and acknowledged.

[00:09:54] And that they're, that whatever it is that they're dealing with, that it's okay and there's nothing wrong. And that we were all going through some form of that struggle and, you know, oftentimes we look at other people and go, wow, they seem to have it all together. I wish I was that, but in truth, we all have some shadow of us that we’re, that we're confronting every single day.

[00:10:20] And for myself, You know, before I became a coach, I was in sales and I had that mask on. I was the I'm always great. I'm always sunny. Life is always wonderful. And it was a, it was a mask that I put on and it wasn't until I turned 40 that are really started to realize that no one actually knew who I was like deep down.

[00:10:47] And it was a very lonely experience to realize that no one actually knew the vulnerable sides of me, because I wouldn't allow people to see that because I was once taught that that was. And through the work through Landmark, I have really discovered the power of vulnerability and the fact that when you are vulnerable, that's how people connect.

[00:11:10] And so, you know, one of the things I do with my clients is I share about my life, about my traumas, about the things that have made me, who I am, that the beautiful scars that have me become this unique human being that God has put on this earth to serve. And I remember thinking to myself, you know, as a child, I was molested.

[00:11:34] and when I was nine, my dad left us for, my dad had an affair with my mom's best friend who lived in our basement and she got pregnant and he left. And so that left a big scar in my heart, even till, you know, 40 years later, like it's still there. No, thank God for the work that I've done, because I'm able to really deal with it, but that stuff never goes away.

[00:12:03] You just have more skills to be able to cope with it in a healthy way. But, you know, these are things that I share with my clients because I want my clients to know that I'm not here just to, you know, tell them what to do or, or to coach them, but really going, I get it. I've been there. I know what that feels like to feel abandoned, to have your trust ripped away from you, from someone who you thought was, you know, you're your role model and then looking at, you know, taking responsibility for the meaning that you put as a nine-year-old in that moment that you don't even realize that you put in that moment.

[00:12:39] And so I've done, you know, 15, 17 years of this work now of really going inwards and discovering, answering that question. Who am I, and who do I want to be known as in the world? And when I do leave this world, how do I want to be remembered?

[00:13:00] Ame-Lia: Thank you for sharing a little bit about the history and what might've been some of the driving forces for you to be doing the work that you're doing in the world today.

[00:13:17] I love hearing that journey. I know for myself that when I look back at my life, it's so fascinating to see how everything is interconnected and helped me get to where I'm am here today, doing what I do in the world. What else is there for you to share about that journey for you in terms of how it shaped, what you do today, or how you do what you do today?

[00:13:42] Jeanell: You know, I believe that it is in those darkest moments when we are brought down to our knees and looking up at God and going, why, why me? You know, those are the moments that really

[00:13:57] Cause us to bring out the, the, the brave, the bravery and the courage that sometimes we don't realize that we have right. The resilience, and also really looking at our faith, our faith in God, our faith, in our purpose, in life, our faith in just the whole way that the universe kind of unfolds itself. You know, there's oftentimes when I go, why is this happening to me?

[00:14:29] And it isn't until six months, a year or two years later that I'm like, that's why that happened to me. You know, when, what you guys don't know is that Michael who had been married to for 15 years and the best 15 years of my life, without a doubt, um, before him, I was previously married. And there've been times when my husband says to me, you know, I really wish that I met you before him, that you didn't have to go through that.

[00:14:59] And I, and my response is no, you know what? I had to go through that to be able to appreciate someone like you, because up until then, I was attracting the same kind of men that were not great for me, that treated me terribly, but because my self worth was pretty non-existent it just, I just kept repeating those patterns and it wasn't until actually I did my forum that I realized like, oh, the reason I'm, I'm, I'm attracting these men is because I haven't actually gotten complete with that thing around my dad and that conversation around trust and worthiness and love.

[00:15:39] And it, and, and in that moment, when I saw that. That is when I started to create, this is the kind of relationship I want. I actually wrote it on a piece of paper. My, my dream man is gonna have these attributes. And I think about four months later, I met my husband and he is everything on that list and more, but, you know, I think that there's times in our lives and I'm actually kind of going through that right now where I'm like, okay, why is this happening right now?

[00:16:09] Why am I attracting this sort of new kind of client? That isn't actually my ideal client? Like, what is the universe telling me right now? Um, and so it's always taking every, um, if you would call it challenge and looking for where's the opportunity, what is the lesson that I meant to learn in this and how can I grow and be a better human being because of this experience.

[00:16:40] And so I, I do very little. I have very little resentment in my life and I don't, I don't get attached to things. I really take a practice of not allowing anything or anyone to get to me because I know it's all for the tall, for the good, and yes, there are moments where we have to look and go, is this thing, or is this person good for me?

[00:17:01] And do I need to remove them from my, from my space, but still even in those moments, it's like, what is it that I'm getting confronted by? What is it that this person's driving up in me that I need to train and develop myself in so that I can be with anyone anywhere, anytime, and still stand inside of love.

[00:17:22] Ame-Lia: Beautiful. What I'm hearing so much of in the way that you speak. And what I imagine is how you also support each other, our other people, which we'll get into in a little bit, but it's this sense of responsibility because everything that you just shared was not How am I going to change them, or how am I going to, you know, manipulate this situation?

[00:17:44] It's all about what is the here for me and how am I contributing to this? And there's so much power in the empowerment in where you stand when you approach relationships. And every of all those insistent incidences that, um, you know, seem painful in the moment. But if you approach them like that, it's just like, oh, well you're still in your power.

[00:18:09] Jeanell: Yeah, absolutely. And I think, you know, when I look at my divorce or my first relationship, first marriage, sorry, that was really what was at the heart of it was I could not accept him for the way he was. I wanted him to be I, what I had pictured for myself and what I have now is a relationship, very similar to what my mom and dad had, you know, obviously removing that piece that happened with us, but.

[00:18:37] You know, they were always together. They did grocery shopping together. They clean together. They went to church together, washing dishes together. That level of partnership was what I had hoped for. And I discovered that that was not part of his core value set. And that really bothered me. And I just made him wrong.

[00:19:01] And I started to make up these decisions about and judgments about who he was because of that. And when I came out of doing my forum for the first time, cause I've done it four times, by the way, the first time I looked over at him and I said, you know what? I have been a jerk to you. I've been making you wrong.

[00:19:22] I've been judging you and you know why you're great the way you are. It just doesn't work for me. And I'd like to complete this relationship and what the beautiful miraculous thing that came out of that was we didn't need lawyers. We went together, he picked me up, we drove to the law courts. We sat together, we signed the papers together.

[00:19:50] We went out for dinner after that, and then he dropped me home. And before I got out of the car, I turned to him and said, thank you. And good luck. And I left. And that was the end of our relationship. And I'm clear that that would have never, it would have never gone that way. Had I not done the work to really get responsible about where I had expectations?

[00:20:20] That the other person just couldn't fill. And it wasn't their fault. I, I realized that I had rushed into that relationship, not doing the due diligence around what it is that really mattered to me in a, in a, in a marriage. And so, um, it was pretty amazing that it went that way and yeah, didn't need lawyers or anything didn't cost us anything.

[00:20:45] It was pretty amicable.

[00:20:48] Ame-Lia: Gosh, I love that story. I love that story. My parents had a very opposite experience. They spent five years in court, um, divorcing and having, uh, a custody battle over the kids. And that was a very painful way to go and obviously had consequences in, in doing it as such. And so I'm really personally touched by hearing your story and what can, what the possibility of

[00:21:18] separating could look like, um, when you really do step in with responsibility and, um, know what you want to create in the world and, and have that be part of every aspect of your life, not just the good parts. So just thank you for sharing that. So you work with couples and individuals. Do you work with individuals as well?

[00:21:43] Jeanell: So what's unique about the way I work as couples, um, sign on with me, what's included is private coaching because you know, the couples that I work with are dealing with probably the most painful time in their life. And it's, it could be going on for years. As long as I had one client they've been struggling for 32 years, haven't had sex in like five years.

[00:22:12] And before that they hadn't had sex in like 10 years. And, um, Sorry. Where was I going with this?

[00:22:26] Ame-Lia: Um, do you work with individuals and couples? So you do the individual coaching as part of your packaging.

[00:22:32] Jeanell: Yes. Thank you. Because I know that how we show up in our relationship actually has very little to do with the relationship and everything to do with our relationship with ourselves. And when two people are not listening to each other, they're almost, if you want to call it at war showing up in the same space and talking about something about very vulnerable, like taking responsibility can be very difficult.

[00:22:59] And so I actually work with them privately for them to be able to have a safe space to say, yeah, you know what? I have been a jerk. And yet here are things that I can be responsible for. And then once they've owned up to that, then we go into the couples work. But I see that, yeah, a lot of how we show up in a relationship has very little to do with our relationship itself and everything to do with our form beliefs, our expectations, um, what we saw from our parents, the heartbreak that we've gone through.

[00:23:28] A lot of times we don't realize that we're taking things from the past and plopping it into the future. So a lot of these couples that are on their second or third marriages and have had really tumultuous, um, divorces like your parents, they go into these new relationships, not with a clean slate, but with all of these, I guess, restrictions and, um, their heart is not fully open.

[00:23:56] And so the chances of them repeating the exact same patterns that they had in their first relationship is going to continue into the second.

[00:24:05] Ame-Lia: Hmm. Yes. Oh, I can a hundred percent relate to that in my own personal journey and in relationships. And I've been in three long-term relationships and all of them have been various versions of the same thing repeated over and over again.

[00:24:21] And it wasn't until the last one ended where I knew that this was not something I wanted to keep repeating. And that's when I started to do my own personal look and stop looking at them and start looking at myself. And, um, so I can really relate to your journey, your journey before you met your husband and this beautiful relationship you have now.

[00:24:43] So I am curious in terms of the work that you do, you're really helping couples find hope again and to reconnect and to find that love and trust. And I'm curious when couples show up at your door step, What is it that you find? What, what brings them there? What are some of the challenges that they have?

[00:25:08] Or what are you noticing about the people that are showing up to seek your help these days?

[00:25:15] Jeanell: Yeah, I would say the first thing is they are lonely. They crave connection with each other and there's been things that have happened and they want to get back to that place and they don't know where to start, you know, especially if, you know, I work with a lot of couples that deal with infidelity.

[00:25:43] And so it's like, okay, you know, we've decided we want to stay together. We want to work on things. I want to forgive him. We want to move forward. But how do we even begin that journey? How do I begin? How do we begin to heal? Part of the issue around healing is that what we don't understand where a lot of couples don't understand is we all need to be forgiven and, um, be apologized to in a very specific way, similar to love languages.

[00:26:18] So just as we have, we all have unique ways of wanting people to show love to us. There are also very specific ways that we want someone to, um, apologize. So some people just need to hear I'm sorry. And there they're like, okay, certain people actually need to hear the words I was wrong and will you please forgive me?

[00:26:42] And so oftentimes, you know, I will see, I will talk to men who says, you know, I do everything. I clean the house, I buy her flowers. I cook, I take care of the kids. He has, she's still mad at me. Like, what do I need to do to have her. Being this way around me. And so my question is always like, okay, you're doing all these things, but have you actually asked for forgiveness?

[00:27:04] Has she actually forgiven you, have you actually taken responsibility? Have you taken any new actions that show that you have, you know, you are committed to change and I think it's just, we're so afraid of being that vulnerable and admitting that we screwed up. And then the other piece is like asking for forgiveness, which is giving someone else control because you're asking them for something and there's a chance they're going to say no.

[00:27:36] So there's this chance of rejection. So oftentimes we don't even ask for forgiveness because we're like, well, what if they say no? Or it's like, well, why should I ask for forgiveness? Because they did something else. They started, they started it. So why do I need to say I'm sorry, but you know, talking about impact, is it really worth it?

[00:27:57] To play this, you know, this ego trip, I like to call it where we're just waiting for the other person to take the first move, rather than us taking initiative or us being the bigger person or us, you know, being present to, you know, I love this person so much that I'm willing to get over myself and just admit to my part.

[00:28:18] And so many people are afraid to do that. And you know, I'm, I'm guilty of that. In my first marriage, I grew up in a home. I love my parents. I loved the way we brought my brought up, but I was brought up in a home where we didn't apologize to each other. We would argue or, you know, we would fight and then we'd go off to our corners or our bedrooms we'd go cool off.

[00:28:41] And then an hour later, we'd come back into the living room and act like nothing happened. And it was just this sort of, um, expectation that we're family and that we don't fight. You know, we just automatically forgive each other. And it wasn't until I met my husband who is like a professional apologizer, this man takes responsibility to a whole new level.

[00:29:09] Like he'll take responsibility for things he doesn't need to take responsibility for, but it wasn't until I met him that I really got like, wow. Being vulnerable and saying you're sorry. And taking responsibility is so beautiful and refreshing and powerful. And it really shows to me how much he loves me.

[00:29:35] Ame-Lia: Hmm. Thanks for bringing that forward. When I, I work in the world of restorative justice and so there, where we have, uh, somebody who who's committed an offense and, and then the people that are harmed by that, and often that's the stickiest part because the situations aren’t straightforward. There's there's multiple activities going on.

[00:29:57] And then the, the criminal charge just came in and this one moment, but it removes all the context, but those people bring that context in of course. And so it's, how do we pull back and really just see what we can own in this situation and take responsibility. And the healing power of that is unbelievable.

[00:30:16] It is transformative for them and for the people that have been harmed. So I, I can understand that from through that lens, this whole piece around not being able to apologize is really fascinating to me. And what came up for me when you were speaking is trauma and, and those, those shields that we put up to protect ourselves.

[00:30:42] And I keep thinking like, oh, there's maybe a relationship there between, um, You know, what, what does the apology mean? It means we have to take that the shield down for a moment. And like you say, be really vulnerable and have that sort of heart to heart moment. And with, with all the unhealed trauma in our lives and society and whatever, it's really not the way we are,

[00:31:11] a lot of us were brought up. I can relate a lot to your story about not apologizing in the family household.

[00:31:20] Jeanell: Yeah.

[00:31:25] Ame-Lia: Is there anything else in that relationship in terms of the resistance to change that you're seeing, um, or that, that is preventing people from moving forward when they really want to move forward? We were speaking before we started recording saying like, people really want to move forward and that they, they just get stuck.

[00:31:44] Jeanell: Yeah, I think society and our culture has kind of messed us up a bit, you know? And how does she see you mess this up? But there's just been a lot of change, you know, with the feminism and the me too and all this stuff. Right. And I think a lot of people take these concepts and then they augment it in a way that ends up being not great, kind of like what we've done with religion, right?

[00:32:08] It's like we've taken something so beautiful and pure and then turn it into something really ugly and manipulative. And I think that a lot of people know what they need to do. They know that they've done wrong. They know they should be the ones that apologize, but you know, they hear from their friends or, or, or a social media that you know, that you need to be tough, that you need to put your foot down, that you need to, you know, tit for tat, you know, there's just all of these.

[00:32:42] Ways we've been taught to protect ourselves. And at the same time it's been the thing that's been getting in the way of us being truly connected in a way that we have the space in grace for each other, you know, um, going back to that conversation around, you know, why I do couples work, you know, when a client says to me, you know, I, I can't forgive or I can't accept my partner, my question back to them as well.

[00:33:13] Is there something that you haven't forgiven are accepted about yourself? And that's usually when the waterworks start and then they go back to their childhood. But I think that there's just this, you know, our ego gets in the way we, we tell ourselves, you know, never again, do I want to be, you know, taken advantage of, or never again, am I going to be duped or have a man disrespect me, but then it's like, that's all we're looking for is evidence of those things.

[00:33:40] We're always looking for what's wrong versus what's right. And you know, we're dealing with someone who's usually the opposite sex, therefore different brain, different makeup, different values, different upbringing. And then we, we almost punish them for not thinking the way we think liking the things we like doing the things that we would have done, especially as women it's like, well, I would have done this.

[00:34:09] Why couldn't he do that? Um, And I think we just forget that we're different and that, and that being different is, is a good thing. Like that's why we're attracted to the opposite sex is because they bring something that we don't have. They have strengths that we don't have. And I think there's just so much to learn about how to not only be with people from an opposite sex, but even different cultures, different skin color.

[00:34:36] Like there's just this like level of what's the word tolerance. I don't know if tolerance is the right word. Um, but this like acceptance of people's just who they are. Oftentimes, we can't do that. Cause we haven't accepted who we are for ourselves. And so that's where, that's why I start there. I don't actually start with the relationship I start with.

[00:35:03] Tell me about your life. Tell me about what you've been through. Tell me about your parents. How do your parents treat each other? Because that will, that is such a clear window into why people are the way they are. Why they can't say the words. I love you. Why they're not affectionate. It's like, well, my parents were never affectionate with me.

[00:35:21] Um, but I think it's just, you know, going back to the whole, the whole big picture is like just knowing who we are and being responsible for our humanity and then giving other people space to, to be who they are and their humanity. And I think that's why my relationship has been still so strong because we honor

[00:35:47] our individualism and the things that we are different about, it's just a conversation. It's just like, Hey honey, you know, I actually don't like vanilla ice cream. I actually liked chocolate mint. Oh, okay, great. I didn't know that next time, you know, it's just having those conversations, creating agreements and expectations together, you know, setting healthy boundaries.

[00:36:10] So the people know what it is that we want to be happy, you know, generally. And this is to the women. Men generally want to please us. They're just sometimes a little clueless. And oftentimes we, we, we vilify them for not doing the thing that they either say they're gonna do or following the promise that they made.

[00:36:34] But you know, men so badly want to please us. And every man I've talked to has. It's so just once to be loved and to belong and to be accepted, you know, men want to feel, they want to provide, they want to protect. They want to feel wanted and needed. And I feel like in this age where all women are trying to be so independent men feel a little lost.

[00:37:01] I'm like, well, what do I do? You know? And there's times, even with my husband, so I'm 4’11”. And my husband's 6’1”. And so, you know, there's typically times that I asked him to get something off the shelf. And when he sees me on the counter with a step stool, trying to do it myself, he gets that's my job.

[00:37:24] I was like, well, you weren't busy. So I just, you know, decided he's like, no, that's what I do for you. I get things off the high shelf. He's like, if I don't do that for you, like what good am I, he wants to be useful. And so I, you know, taking that away from him is, is very hard for him. It feels like he's, doesn't have a purpose in this relationship.

[00:37:45] And so I let him do those things. I let him, you know, carry the groceries. Cause that's what he wants. He wants to feel like the man and I let him, and, you know, from the outside, someone might be like Jeanell, you're a bit of a princess, but to me, it's like, my husband loves putting me on a pedestal. He loves showering me with affection and these pretty words and, you know, love notes everywhere.

[00:38:13] Like that's his love language. And I let him do that for me, but I feel like a lot of women be like, don't do that for me. I'm not incompetent, you know, like they kind of take to it. Um, and you know, and for me, I know my husband's love language is physical touch. And so I always like hug him, kiss him, rub his back, squeeze his big muscular arms and tell him how sexy he is.

[00:38:38] Cause that's what he loves. And so we're able to speak each other's love language and continue to pour into each others. If you want to call it a love tank, no one ever feels like neglected or unimportant. We truly are a team that really gets up under each other. And really has each other's back and it just builds up the trust.

[00:39:09] And here we are, you know, 15 years later we just celebrated our 15 years and our relationship just gets better and better and better every day. And even though I think like, how is that even possible? He does. I don't know how, and so that's why I want to write a book about it.

[00:39:28] Ame-Lia: Yeah. I want to, I want you to talk a little bit about your book in a second.

[00:39:31] Um, because I, I heard a bit before we started recording and I love the idea and I think people will be really curious about what you're creating. And I want to touch on this piece around what is required to, to shift things around. So you have a couple that comes to you. None of what you just spoke about seems possible in their mind.

[00:39:52] There's no trust. There's so much resentment. All these little things have built up, you know, and you're like, oh, but we're going to get you here. And they're like, yeah, Doubt it. So what in your experience is required to turn our loving relationships around and then you've spoken a bit about what's possible, but if you want to elaborate more on what is possible when we can actually do that, I'd love to hear it.

[00:40:20] Jeanell: The first thing that comes to my mind and what I discovered very early on is what people truly wants and need is to feel heard. And in the beginning, you know, I am that for them. It is not their partner. I am that. And you know, I have a soft spot for men. I don't know if you've noticed yet. I have a soft spot for men, but generally it's the men that cry, not the women, it's the men that, you know, and I, and I, I get it, you know, they have probably never felt safe to just let those emotions of frustration and rejection like come out and they've never.

[00:41:02] You know, cause oftentimes we, women feel uncomfortable when men get really sensitive and, and, you know, sad or emotional, we don't know what to do with it, even though we want them to, when they do end up doing that, we're like, what do we do about this? So my husband is a crier. Um, he's very sensitive and he cries easily.

[00:41:25] And in the beginning, you know, I was taught that crying is a weakness. Don't cry. I didn't even cry at my dad's funeral. I had such a hard time allowing those emotions to surface because I was so afraid of what people would think about me. But you know, when I first, when I first saw him feeling really emotional, so he's, he actually moved to Vancouver from Newfoundland.

[00:41:48] So he, you know, flew 5,000, I think it's 5,000 kilometers. It's on the other side of the country and he was really homesick. And so there were moments when he just really got emotional. And I remember thinking to myself, like, what do I do? You know? And I was almost like, can you please stop crying? Because I don't know how to fix this.

[00:42:11] And I almost got angry because he's like, I don't know. I'm just really, and then I really just got the biggest service that I can provide this man. This is just my listening. I don't have any, I don't need to understand why he's crying. I just need to be that best friend who sits there, puts this, puts her arm around him and says, you know what?

[00:42:37] It's okay to cry. Let it out. It's normal, nothing wrong. I'm here for. And so I really take that approach with my clients. It's creating that safe space. And then the next step is, you know, listening to each of them privately and really what they're committed to and creating that, listening for the other.

[00:43:00] Because when they're in that space of just total shut down, they can't even see each other for who they are. But someone like me, who's neutral, I can actually speak on behalf of the other one to the other ones. So for example, in a situation where there's been infidelity, um, and the wife is like, do you know, does he really love me?

[00:43:27] And I'll say, yeah, he does really love you. He told me. So really? Yeah. You told me how, sorry he was. He even cried. So in my coaching sessions, my role is doors open on both sides. No secrets. I can't work with that. And I can't keep track of who's saying what. And like, my, my goal is to get them on the same page. And if it means sharing something that the other one told me, then that's what I'm going to do.

[00:43:54] If it's going to move the conversation forward, if it's in the highest good is what I tell them. But, you know, just creating that listening, it's like, yeah, he's really remorseful because even though he's showing up that way, she can't even see it. She's still caught up in her own, you know, pain, but coming from someone like me, um, they can hear it.

[00:44:14] And so when I bring them together and we start to, I ask them to reiterate what they shared in the sessions, just to repeat it. So the partner hears it. There's a new listening that gets created in that. And I really get them to share like what at the end of the day is that they truly want. And what is their biggest fear?

[00:44:32] And often, often their biggest fear is abandonment. And so for the other person to hear that, you know, my biggest fear is that you're going to leave me. It totally shifts the energy from this very like at war, you know, we're on different sides to like, oh yeah. You know what, that's what I want to, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't want you to leave me either, or I don't want to, I don't want to break up your, my life.

[00:45:00] So, you know, we slowly start to do that. And what's so beautiful is that, you know, I've been able to bring couples that have been separated for like six months back into the same house in less than four weeks, because of the way I do it, um, with the combination of the private coaching and the couples coaching.

[00:45:24] So I, I hit them on all sides. And we don't just talk about the relationship. We talk about their health. We talk about their dreams. We it's really about how do we create change. With the intention of fulfilling on whatever it is that matters to them, whatever that is. And so, yeah, by the end of it, really, what I want them to have is a life that they absolutely love a relationship.

[00:45:51] They love a job that they love a body that they love. It's really about just having an extraordinary life because we all deserve to be happy. It's, what's getting them clear about what that looks like, because I feel like that's also, what's missing is we're unhappy, but we don't actually know what happiness looks like.

[00:46:10] And so to actually articulate that and, and, and create like, what does that actually look like in the world? And what does that feel like? And what are the values that are attached to that? Then we can start to create something really magical, but we have to really deal with whatever has been in the way first clear, all that junk out.

[00:46:32] And then, and then start to create from, from nothing. And so I made, none of my clients stay with me for more than three months because they don't need to,

[00:46:42] Ame-Lia: oh, I love that. That, uh, it's amazing Jeanell, um, your system, the way you work with people, the holistic nature of it feels so nourishing and I can see how people feel really seen and heard when they work with you and how important that is.

[00:47:02] I love that you brought forward that component of sometimes you have to have that experience take place with an outsider, instead of trying to force that within the couple where there's all that past and history and all the stuff also present in the same room, I can see how it would be impossible to actually hear or see what is really at play.

[00:47:25] Jeanell: I would also say the thing that, um, I do differently is I really start with. It's not your fault that you have these problems. It's not your fault. You don't know how to communicate. We were never taught in school how to communicate to listen. We were taught to, you know, respond, react, justify, you know, we were never taught to listen, to understand, to be gotten, to validate, to empathize.

[00:47:53] Um, and you know, I'm guilty of it because, you know, my background is sales. So when I listen, it's like, okay, find a solution, find a solution, really. But inside of a relationship, you know, when we want to feel heard, when we're outflowing about whatever is that's on our mind, 99% of the time, we're not looking for an answer.

[00:48:12] We just want to just have, whatever's been bottled up inside of us to get out of our body and have someone hold space. To be like, yeah, I really get that. I get why you're upset or, you know, I can hear you're really happy or I can hear you're really worried. How else can I support you? It's a totally different way.

[00:48:32] So I spend a lot of time with my couples, teaching them how to actually listen to each other, because what they do is the opposite. Right? It's like, it's like a, a domination game. It's like, who's right. Who's wrong. Who's good. Who's bad. Who can talk over the other one and more? Who's gonna, who's gonna back down first.

[00:48:56] And at the end of the day, no one wins that. Perfect. And so it becomes a very tender moment. When one person gets the opportunity to say everything, they get to say the other person just listens and not allowed to interrupt. And then at the end, I S I asked the other partners, like, what did you hear? And so I really train and develop them, really listen to the words that are being said, but also like, what is the emotion underneath it?

[00:49:25] What is the commitment? And what is the fear that they actually have is as to why they're so upset. And so I give them those tools so that they can deal with any situation without it turning into an argument.

[00:49:41] Ame-Lia: So essential. And I agree with you a hundred percent, we were not taught these skills around communication growing up.

[00:49:48] And so thank you for doing the work, uh, in the environment that you do. Cause I do think that intimate partner relationship dynamic is just so important for. Changing the energy in the world. Um, and so you're working in a really important space where there is so much unhealed trauma, uh, present. And through you that that work gets done and people are able to form those deep connections, rebuild trust, and deep connection and belonging.

[00:50:20] These core needs that we all need. So you're, you're headed toward you're, you're doing this work. You're obviously seeing something that needs to be spoken about because we talked about this book idea you have, I'd love you to quickly touch on that. And then I have one final question to close us out here today.

[00:50:38] Jeanell: Well, what was funny is about eight months ago, I have a friend. Uh, clairvoyance, psychic, whatever you want to call her. And she told me, she said, you're going to be writing seven New York bestselling books. And I was like, what? I don't even write. And even if I did write, if I wasn't a writer, what would I write about anyway?

[00:50:59] But in the past three months, you know, meeting new people, new coaches, just people in the industry and sharing my story. I've had people go, do you have a book? Cause if not, you should like more than half a dozen times. So I'm like, okay, universe, I hear you. And you know, I've also been thinking about how can I document and share my life, my love life, my love story.

[00:51:27] Cause I feel like it's so unique, not only in how we met, but also like how I've been able to maintain this extraordinary high level of connection for so long. Like to be honest, we have never had. Like the dip in our relationship, it's always been really, really strong. And so, you know, I'm thinking about writing a book that really shares a lot of the sexual stuff that, um, that I find is really extraordinary about a relationship, because I feel like that's a lot of what couples deal with is after long periods of time of being together, it's like, how do we keep the fire life?

[00:52:04] How do we keep the passion? How do we continue to grow and be playful and adventurous and curious with our partner that we've been lovers with for so long, how do we keep that spice? And so I wanted to write a book around sharing my sort of everyday life, but also. Have, you know, sharing some of the secrets and tips as to how I'm able to maintain my own mindset and how important mindset is in maintaining the experience of that blissful, happiness, and love and passion and all that juicy stuff that we're all craving.

[00:52:46] And I'm fortunate enough to live that every, every day of my life. And, you know, if I could squeeze out the essence of my husband and bottle it up, I would, but I can't and sell. The only other way I can think of, of sharing this is, is through sharing the experience of what it's like to live this way. And that there's hope that there's hope that that is possible.

[00:53:09] It's not this thing that we can only find in like romance novels or in movies. Like it actually exists in the world.

[00:53:16] Ame-Lia: Yes. Yes. Please write that book. I can't wait. So excited. Literally like, yeah. I can think of so many people who would love to hear your wisdom on all of that. So yes. To you, yes. To that in closing Jeanell, what does being the change mean to you?

[00:53:37] Jeanell: What change means to me is being a leader, being a leader, and also

[00:53:47] stepping out, stepping outside of ourselves. Because I think when we are concerned about the impact on us, there's very little change that can happen out in the world. And, you know, there's different levels of change. Just change within myself and there's change out in the world. So I have a, I have a commitment in this lifetime to impact a million lives.

[00:54:13] And that is beyond myself. Right. But if it were, if I were to deal with myself in that my head would say a million people, how would you do that? You can't do that. Right. It's my own smallness that is speaking. But when I step into my bigness, the Jeanell, the great that I know is inside of me, she says, yeah, definitely a million minimum, but there has to be, um, for, for change to happen, you have to be the change that people wish to see.

[00:54:44] You have to embody that you can't just talk the talk and, you know, and I think that's why I love my work and why I'm. So I'm such a believer in what I do is because I'm not just some other relationship goes, I got some certification in some place and now is coaching. I'm like, no, I lived it. I've been through a divorce.

[00:55:04] I've had trust issues. I've dealt with infidelity personally, as well as in my family, like. I know the stuff and I get it and I understand it. And so I'm able to help people through it, not just like, okay, here's step one. Here's what you do. Here's step two. Cause that makes no difference. And so I am really out to heal the world.

[00:55:25] I'm out to heal families. And I would say the last thing I would say here is that as parents, for all of you out there that are parents, your children are watching and they feed. And even if they're not, if you're not speaking to each other, they can feel the energy. And I believe that every child in this world has the right, the opera should have the opportunity to witness what a healthy, loving, generous, happy relationship looks like from there.

[00:56:07] And I just want to remind people that they are the role models. So be careful what you do and say to each other, cause they're watching and their relationships, their future relationships depend on what they see at home. So many people are in counseling and therapy because of their parents, you know? And so in this conversation around divorce, you know, people say, well, you know, we don't, we don't want to split up because of the impact on our kids or we want to get split up because the impact on our kids, I think that's, there's another question to be asked right inside of that.

[00:56:46] It's like, okay, what would actually be of the highest good for our children? What, what would actually have us be a certain way, whether that's loving or add, you know, add, I would say a word amicable. That we were showing our children that this, that we can make things work. And if that means getting divorced and that's what there is to do.

[00:57:08] But I think some people just don't actually understand the impact of how they are with each other at home while their children are watching. And here's the statistics show, you know, kids that grow up in dysfunctional homes have a 30% higher chance of substance abuse, suicide and mental disorders. And I'm not okay with that.

[00:57:37] And so I know that my work is not just going to impact this generation. My work is going to impact, I don't really know how many generations, but that is, this is where it starts is with me. It starts with all of us. And so how can we have peace in the world when we don't even have peace in our home? Um,

[00:58:04] Ame-Lia: thank you, Jeanell that I'm such a powerful way to close out our circle. I think you really brought home the importance of our, or what is possible when we do take responsibility and, and be the change. And the every moment in which we do that, we, we have this huge ripple effect and you spoke very clearly to that family dynamic and the ripples that stem from that.

[00:58:36] And of course we're all part of families. And so just imagine the effect like you're, you're hitting the root of it all, really, and I'm honored to be part of your journey to impact over a million people. So thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, your. Time and your heart with us. I heard you speak so clearly from your heart this whole time.

[00:59:03] We were together and your deep, deep care for humanity. So thank you so much for being you for doing all the work that you have done so that you can make this impact in the world. It touches me deeply. So thank you.

[00:59:18] Jeanell: Um, thank you so much. And thank you for holding the space for me to share with your listeners.

[00:59:23] Um, my message, because that's really all I'm committed to right now is just having people here. Maybe not necessarily what they want to hear, but what they need to hear. And so, you know, who has. Who I am as a disruptor. I'm an interrupter. All of the, the mediocrity out there. I am like, I want everyone to have the most extraordinary, happy lift.

[00:59:48] Cause we don't have a lot of time on this planet. We really don't. And we were chosen from the whatever 23 million sperms. And, you know, we were chosen for a reason to do something with our lives. And so I really invite people to really look at, you know, what is it that you want to accomplish? What is it, what is it that you're committed to and how are you going to leave this planet better than when you came?

[01:00:14] Ame-Lia: Yes. To that sister. Thank you so much.

[01:00:20]:  I'm now passing the talking piece to you. If you feel called to put your voice in the circle, please head to humconsulting.ca/podcast and share your story there. I cannot wait to hear what has come up for you as you have listened to what has been shared here today. I wish you love and joy beyond your wildest imagination. Thank you so much for being here in the Circle of Change.

I also wanna express my gratitude to the following peeps: Circle of Change is recorded on Lekwungen territories and I am so grateful to live on this land. Our opening and closing music was created by the talented E-Rol Beats. You can find his creations at erolbeats.com. And special thanks to my coach, Mary Chan, of Organized Sound Productions for bringing this podcast to life. Until next time, Ciao!

Gratitude: 

Circle of Change is recorded on lək̓ʷəŋən territories.

Our opening and closing music was created by the talented E-Rol Beats. You can find his creations at www.erolbeats.com

My fabulous podcast coach, Mary Chan of Organized Sound Productions, brought this podcast to life www.organizedsound.ca